Resolution 2022

Here is a piece written by my niece, who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. She is in her forties and has a husband and two children. I asked if she could write a few bullet points so that I could explain to our WI what is it like for a person with ADHD. As you read through, you will understand why it is more than a few bullet points! 

This is a big post. There’s a lot to explain. You might need a cup of tea...

I have ADHD. 

So you all know me (obvs); depending on how long for, you may know that in my time I’ve been described as over-emotional, too intense, aggressive, flaky, lazy, too loud, too bossy (and those are the kinder ones). It’s quite possible you may have witnessed those things for yourself. I’ve had numerous mental health issues, countless therapy sessions; once a psychiatrist I saw described me as a doormat. Yes really. Some of you know about this in parts, some of you might have no idea - as I’ve recently learned, I’m extremely good at masking.

And then right at the beginning of last year I read an article which completely and utterly changed my life in the space of five minutes. I had my first ever getting-hit-by-lightning-holy-sh*t-that’s-me moment as I read it and my entire world view shifted (I’ll put a link to it below).

Essentially, before reading this article I thought, like the vast majority of people, that ADHD is hyperactive children who can’t sit still in class. I had no idea what ADHD looks like in adults, and more specifically, in adult women. Almost everything in this article resonated: clever at school but poor exam results? Check. Always interrupting people? Check. Obsessive reading as a child but can barely pick up a book now? Check. Chronic untidiness? Check. Always changing jobs? Check. Always getting in trouble at work for not finishing tasks? Check. Only able to do things in a panic at the last minute before a deadline? Check.

ADHD is not a mental illness. It is a neurological difference - in a similar way that autism is. The brain is wired differently. In simple terms, dopamine is either not produced or not transmitted around the brain correctly. Dopamine is an essential chemical, and an ADHD brain is forever seeking the dopamine that it knows it is missing. And the way this manifests itself is, in its simplest form, the brain is bored. Always, always bored - always seeking new things, new experiences, new stimulation. Never feeling satisfied. 

Those who’ve known me a long time will know I spent all of my twenties moving to different places, changing jobs, telling everyone (and myself) “this next job will definitely be the one!”, not being able to stay in relationships, making new friends, being unable to stay in touch with old friends, starting new hobbies, changing my mind. 

And I never realised that ADHD is EXHAUSTING. We all imagine that everyone’s brains work in the same way as our own, so I had no idea that not everyone had a brain that NEVER EVER EVER STOPPED SHOUTING ALL THE TIME. I didn’t even realise that’s what my own brain was doing, until I saw someone else describe it and point out that it’s not the standard way brains work. (The best analogy I’ve seen is that the ADHD brain is kind of like a browser window - I’ve got 27 tabs open at once and music is always playing in the background). I just thought that everyone else was somehow able to ignore the noise, which made them much, much better at being an adult than me; that I was obviously less than as a person because I couldn’t just pull myself together/snap out of it/get on with it/just bloody do the thing (again, all things that have been said to me).

There are different types of ADHD - I have combined type, which means both hyperactive and inattentive (but more inattentive). In my case, the hyperactivity is mostly mental rather than physical (although I did realise that I’m never still - tapping feet, fidgeting in my seat, biting nails, fiddling with my hair), but learning about the inattentiveness has been the biggest surprise. It’s very difficult to explain that I never knew I was zoning out of conversations, that I couldn’t focus, because my brain wasn’t processing the information properly.

One line in the article [written by a man] stood out to me most of all: “Much of what I had fondly considered to be my personality could be understood as a set of elaborate compensations for a condition which I had never quite understood”. Except in my case, I hadn’t “fondly” considered it to be my personality. In my case it was the opposite. There’s a whole other discussion to be had about how our society makes women who don’t “fit” view themselves as broken, less than, not good enough. The self esteem issues I’ve had my whole life mean that I never viewed my difficulties as “just one of those things” or “just part of who I am”, I never just chuckled at my brain and went “what am I like?!”. I felt inadequate, useless, crap and incapable. And society reinforces those feelings on a daily basis. 

There is so, so, SO much more to it than this - so many things that I’ve been learning are connected to/caused by my noisy brain; always being messy, hyperfixating, having ZERO patience, getting irritated out of all proportion by insignificant things, getting too easily distracted, having to think out loud, being unable to tell a story without veering off on a tangent 37 times and taking half an hour to get to the point, not replying to people’s messages then sitting in a shame spiral for weeks instead of just WRITING A DAMN REPLY, talking too fast and being unable to self edit (YES I HAVE WRITTEN A THREE PAGE EXPLANATION OF MY ADHD BECAUSE I CAN’T POSSIBLY MAKE IT ANY SHORTER, HOW’S YOUR DAY GOING?), having a terrible and amazing memory AT THE SAME TIME (yes that sounds impossible but I can remember insane details about a topic and have absolutely zero memory about the conversation we had yesterday or vast chunks of my childhood). I’ve seen a lot of stuff about the positive sides of ADHD but to be honest I’m still not there on that. So far being creative and being a very loyal friend (apart from the crap-at-replying bit) is pretty much all I’ve got.

Why am I sharing this now? Because I just want everyone to know. Because it’s a reason for the way I’ve lived my life and the difficulties I’ve had. It’s an explanation for some of my behaviours and decisions. And if everyone knows, it might make it easier to come to terms with. If you got all the way to the end - thank you. I’m still me; just me with new information.